For the new members

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For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 28/7/2011, 12:55

Let me be one of the first to welcome you to ARC. ARC is like a care home but a free one. As such you don’t get fed, get washed once a week with TCP and a hose pipe and are left for hours and hours sitting in your own mess. The staff are a compassionate lot, well as compassionate as a rattle snake in bath tub but they care.
Like any reputable institution we have a few rules which I imagine you have all read and ingested however here are a few pointers and other rules not mentioned.

1. The seats nearest the window with the best view are on a first come first served basis, but remember to bring your own cleaning spray juts encase the previous user had a ‘accident’.
2. No shouting at the locals, as funny as it is to jump out at them and shout most of them carry guns.
3. West wing level 2 is out of bounds due to Dorris, MCE’s pet wolf.
4. The barn is out of bounds as this is where Six carries out his ‘cloning experiments’ with Dolly the sheep. He calls them experiments, the RSPCA have other views on it and we are awaiting the start of the court case.
5. The basement in the main block is out of bounds as this is Keltx special place! If you hear the screams don’t worry its only Bondage Betty giving him a good bit of spanky.
6. The biscuit barrel, which belongs to me, is secured with 2lb of plastic explosives on a tilt switch, you have been warned.
7. The little yellow cubes in the urinals are NOT sweets so stop eating them, okay they smell of pineapple but they certainly don’t taste like it.
8. Airborne is busy beavering away building a brand new Grandma’s house in the grounds of the home. All NA members will be given a free pass and the lube has been ordered.
9. This is perhaps the most important rule – tea bagging. It is fully expected and required that in any game YOU will tea bag a fellow clan member. The more humiliating the kill the better. Paul on skin offers free lessons on this and has been seen on more than one occasion running through a storm of fire to get to a clan member and tea bag them.
10. Dog tags on Battlefield – again the hunting down and stabbing then tea bagging of fellow ARC members is positively encouraged. My tags are like a skin infection everyone has them. However keltxs and sixes are as rare as rocking horse shat. Again certain clan members have run through fire and have lost games just to get one set of tags.
11. As we have some female members the amount of swearing has to stop, ladies this is the last time I ask you to calm the swearing down as it upsets people. Certain of our members are serving or have served in the armed forces and have commented that even their drill instructors on a bad day swore less than you lot.

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
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Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 28/7/2011, 15:58

You seriously need to get another job lol!

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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 28/7/2011, 17:25

I cant help it if im a swearing machine and have to teach you lot how to do it right

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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 29/7/2011, 12:38

BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:You seriously need to get another job lol!

got one applied for another

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
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Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by baronvongrumpy on 29/7/2011, 14:01

Many a wise word from the Lord just to add to his sage advice , it has been noticed that some of the newer younger members are running round far to fast in the corridors ( not using zimmer frame ) please note some of our older statesman are not as mobile as they once were and those containers they carry are NOT full of cider so try not to barge into them ! Please feel free to sign up to brother Heavys photography classes even though I must warn these are only for the broad minded amongst u I have been assured that your vision will return though some mental scarring is normal. Brother Mutant "The Shark" Blues poker nites are on Friday he is keen to increase his property portfolio so new members are very welcome his easy payment debt collection schemes I hear are very reasonable make sure you are out at midnight prompt as our beloved Six immediatly has his "alternative" poker session which though has only a few dedicated members of the hairy variety do create quite an impression and in this case your vision may not return. Have fun Im off to meet the parole board as Ive been here 3 years wish me luck
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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 29/7/2011, 14:13

Thats right Baron, who is actually a Baron and yes is grumpy.
For goodness sake don't scare him, it took two weeks to clear the blood stains of the ceiling and find all the body parts!

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
avatar
Lord Farnswaller
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Male Number of posts : 14312
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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 30/7/2011, 12:38

Your nuts ha ha ha

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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 30/7/2011, 14:46

why yes thank you

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
avatar
Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 30/7/2011, 16:56

lol!

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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 30/7/2011, 17:41

I for one appreciate the heads up on these
rules/recommendations/warnings. For y'alls fine facility.

I have a few for you all that we Americans would be happy if you all would oblige us by taking notice of our behavior patterns.

1. First and foremost if see a bunch sitting on the porch watching cars pass by on the road we are not waitng on anybody. We are just sitting on the porch watching cars pass by while solving all of the world's problems.

2. While sittimg on this porch if you see us passing around a jar of what looks like water. It is not water. Do not expect to see us in the dining hall for dinner. If you drink some of this do not expect to be in the dining hall either.

3. All of the above applies as well if you see us passing around what looks like a mashed up cigarette or corn cob pipe.

4. On Saturday afternoons/nights, Sunday afternoons/nights, and Monday nights we are watching football. It is not what you think (don't get excited). What you are thinking is called soccer. Don't bother asking us about the rules. We understand them all, it is just very difficult for us to explain them. We have tried for years to explain the rules to wives/girlfriends/mothers/sisters etc. and frankly we are tired of trying to explain them.

5. This applies to me and a few others we like watching cars go around in circles. I can explain to you just about everything about the sport. All you have to do is ask. Just get comfortable it will be awhile before you get the answer you are looking for.

6. If we ask you to go on a "Snipe Hunt" do not plan to be back for bedtime. It will be night before we leave to go out. You will not get back until maybe morning. Maybe.

6.1 While "hunting" if you hear someone say "You have a purty mouth. How 'bout you just drop those pants" Don't bother running you will be breathless at the end of it anyway. When you return do not tell anyone what happened to you.

7. Most of us will stop anything we are doing. When we see/hear "The Andy Griffith Show" even though we have more than likely watched this particular episode more than twice. Do not interrupt us for anything.

8. We call carbonated beverages Coke/soda/pop. They all mean the same thing to us.

9. When watching sporting events when the National Anthem is played most of us will stand up and remove our hats, stand still and quiet. No matter what sport it is someone will usually yell PLAY BALL!!!!!

9.1 "PLAY BALL" reminds me of Baseball refer to rule #4 same rules apply to baseball too.

I think I have covered most all of the important things you may need to know about us Americans.

Oh I forgot something Tea-Bagging is not privilege it is a requirement.
And something else Bro' before Ho's.


Last edited by FOSTBITTEN on 1/8/2011, 13:00; edited 1 time in total

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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 30/7/2011, 19:14

This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 2/8/2011, 14:01

BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 2/8/2011, 14:14

FOSTBITTEN wrote:
BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

a man after my onw heart

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
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Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by knikki91 on 2/8/2011, 14:23

@Lord Farnswaller wrote:6. The biscuit barrel, which belongs to me, is secured with 2lb of plastic explosives on a tilt switch, you have been warned.

Or so he thinks.

Anyone for jammie dodgers?
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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 2/8/2011, 14:28

Thank you kindly for your rules some more which I hope explain us EU players

1. Cricket – yes there are rules, few understand them, fewer care but in the end of the day its all about whacking some other fellows balls with you stick.
2. Rugby – bit like your football but played by rather ugly men who drink like fish.
3. Sitting on our porch – this tends to be at the rear of our property and we tend to shoot peasants sorry pheasants off it
4. We drive on the correct side of the road, just because some jumped up midget French general was left handed and you lot followed suite it still makes our way the right way!
5. Yes we all know the queen, or a queen or several queens.
6. Cockney rhyming slang – like you we are baffled by it and it is mainly put on to impress tourist. A pearly queen is NOT some dodgy old porn star (well not as far as we can confirm)
7. Animal worrying – normally undertaken by the Welsh and a certain Norwegian individual who’s name sounds like six.
8. The Beckham’s, Katie Price, Simon Cowell and Pearce Morgan – sorry, really we are terribly sorry they decided to come over to your side of the pond. However as in the words of Lamb of God ‘their your problem now so deal with it’, we’d suggest a lot of lime and bleach!

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
avatar
Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 2/8/2011, 14:32

@Lord Farnswaller wrote:
FOSTBITTEN wrote:
BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

a man after my onw heart

Should we book him the padded cell next to ours on level 3 of the north wing I belive cell 6 has become vacant ?

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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 2/8/2011, 16:32

b2g-sillyboyfish wrote:
@Lord Farnswaller wrote:
FOSTBITTEN wrote:
BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

a man after my onw heart

Should we book him the padded cell next to ours on level 3 of the north wing I belive cell 6 has become vacant ?

oh please, cell 6 is rather nice and the one with the view of Grandma's house

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
avatar
Lord Farnswaller
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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 2/8/2011, 17:05

Sorry Lordy but I'm taking that one very shortly.

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Re: For the new members

Post by Guest on 2/8/2011, 17:39

@Lord Farnswaller wrote:
FOSTBITTEN wrote:
BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

a man after my onw heart

It is weird how us "kindred" spirits can find each other across an ocean.

"2. Rugby – bit like your football but played by rather ugly men who drink like fish."

These folks must be some of my relatives that came in from Germany, ans missed the boat to the U.S. and just decided to stay in the U.K. (more than likely they could not go back because they was running from an angry mob carrying pitchforks and torches)

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Re: For the new members

Post by Lord Farnswaller on 3/8/2011, 13:26

FOSTBITTEN wrote:
@Lord Farnswaller wrote:
FOSTBITTEN wrote:
BlamefulAnimal6 wrote:This thread gets weirder by the minute lol

I said in another post somewhere that I need to figure out a way to charge, for the show that is going on inside my head Shocked .

a man after my onw heart

It is weird how us "kindred" spirits can find each other across an ocean.

"2. Rugby – bit like your football but played by rather ugly men who drink like fish."

These folks must be some of my relatives that came in from Germany, ans missed the boat to the U.S. and just decided to stay in the U.K. (more than likely they could not go back because they was running from an angry mob carrying pitchforks and torches)

ah being what other people would describe as 'strange or plain weird' is all the fun of being here! hell if i wanted to act normal I'd grow up and I hear that is highly over rated!

_______________________________________________
When a mummy troll and a daddy douchebag love each other very much, they share a special hug. Sometimes, nine months later, the result is a beautiful baby shat goblin.

To tea bag or not tea bag– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The noscoping and douche bags of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of asshats
And, by opposing, end them







ARC Awards: Level 5 - 113 achievo's - 957 G's
avatar
Lord Farnswaller
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